I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

- Pompeii by Bastille

December 2016 will always be remembered for my trip to India. This was a vacation that was well deserved, well planned and most definitely well hyped. I was going to meet my family and friends after years. I was clearly excited and my mind idealized it. Let’s see how things worked out. This is the story, of my homecoming.

The first thing I noticed, was the dust. I hadn't gotten dirty in eighteen months, so to speak, but the first 18 minutes on Indian soil, and I was filthy. That's not to say that it was overly-dirty; India has always been dusty. But after ages, my body has been cushioned to the cleanliness (for lack of a better word) of America. I found myself washing my hands way too often.

The second thing that instantly popped up, is the heat. Wow, my country is HOT!  I haven't tasted sweat outside of a gym, in ages! And it certainly wasn’t pleasant. Ambient noises, however, were a welcoming feeling. Shifting from a bustling city like Mumbai, to the countryside town of Raleigh initially sent my ears into a frenzy. As anyone from a city will tell you, the sheer silence is quite terrifying at first. You start to miss the cacophony, that could consist of anything from trains to dogs to crows to people to construction equipment to the car horns. Once you’re in tune with a constant array of sounds, it takes a while for your body to break the rhythm.

I felt something really unusual during my first week in India - unsafe. I was always on alert while outside the house. After spending a considerable amount of time, in a place where muggings, shootings and robberies are a weekly affair, my mind started anticipating danger from any corner. This instinct did not change like the time-zones did. Anytime I was alone, or in crowded zones or when I saw someone suspicious pass me by, I was completely aware, keeping my phone and wallet close to me.

Speaking of wallets, how annoying did it feel to be back home, and end up carrying a wallet everywhere that barely had any money. Thanks to demonetization, accumulating cash was a downright pain; Add to that, the fact that my debit card was deactivated because it had been unused in a year, and you’ve got yourself a whole new version of being broke.

The first ten days were an intense struggle, in terms of money, transportation and communication. I couldn't use my car, because my mom had forbidden it. Once I left the house, I had no way to contact anyone, since my iPhone was locked, and my Indian sim card took more than a week to activate.  And thanks to the aforementioned reasons, I had no money!  So it wasn't exactly the best of times. Every time I stepped out, I actually felt like a tourist in my own city.

As all extended vacations go, boredom was a key element. Most of my days were spent lying in bed watching YouTube videos. I hadn't accounted for one major flaw of my Indian trip - the fact that people move on with their lives. When I left my friends, most of them were still college layabouts, freshly graduated, with a lot of time on their hands. Even the ones that started working, had a relatively easy life. This was definitely not the situation eighteen months later. I had forgotten to take in the fact that, although I'm a graduate student, most of my friends aren't. They’re professionals in their fields, with a lot more responsibility than when I left them.

We clearly can’t talk about homecoming, without addressing the elephants in the room, i.e. my family (pun unintended). Coming home from the States, along with the season of Christmas, is a dangerous combo in a Catholic household. I was the perfect product for my parents to put on display. From one house to another, the son returns home with stories from a strange land and must be studied. It helped to keep certain answers short and memorized, when talking with the extended family.

This isn’t to say that there weren't any perks. Having to not set an alarm every night, is truly an indescribable feeling. I slept when I wanted; I woke up when I wanted. Not to mention, the added bonus of no responsibilities for a span of four weeks - no laundry, no cooking, no paying bills. Being an adult can sometimes be tiring. It was fun to be around the family again, and with friends I haven't seen in years (even though i had to travel up and down Mumbai to meet them). Indian food is something that deserves an article for itself. Having moms delicacies and the occasional street food, was a craving that was a long time coming.

But all of this would seem hypocritical as I reach the end of this recollection. During the months of August through November, I couldn’t wait to visit India. I was ecstatic! I remembered all the good times I had and how I couldn't wait to experience them again. When I landed, that excitement continued, although it was short lived. I slowly started to realize that the India I came home to, was not the one I left. The city and country I knew, was simply an illusion that was enhanced by the time and distance I spent away from it. There were times when I felt lost in my own city; it became harder to ignore certain flaws that I had been accepting all this time.

The thing about staying abroad is, it raises your standard of living. You get used to such a comfortable life, that it becomes hard to move back into your old one- the one with inconsistent hot water in the bathroom, or fluctuations in Wi-Fi, or cramped up spaces or the constant honking while you’re stuck in traffic, or the blatant disregard for rules. I will admit, it was difficult. As my date of departure got closer, I realized I was going to miss India, but at the same time, I was excited to return to the States. I felt like I’m in control of my life again. Yes, I'm broke. Yes, I’m too lazy to cook. Yes, I’m just biding away my time. But in some small way, I do feel like I’m in control. I feel reassured. I felt an unusual epiphany dawning on me; maybe, without realizing it, I have made a life here, that I don't want to leave behind. The life I had in India isn't the same, nor will it ever will be. That pushes me to think, that maybe, I wouldn't want to go back again, I wouldn't want to settle into that life again. Maybe visiting India wasn't my true homecoming. Maybe India was just a pit-stop, a detour, to help me see that I am now more attached to my new home. Maybe India was a way of telling me that I might be happier here. Maybe.