For a lot of us, considering the idea of therapy can be hard. It requires an acceptance of vulnerability and the acknowledgment that you have something inside you that needs to be addressed. It's an ask based on admitting you need help — not that there is something wrong with you, but there is certainly something that needs further analysis. And a lot of us refrain from seeking therapy for these reasons. We are simply not at that frame of mind or in the state to accept that we need help, believing it's something we can easily handle.

Finding a therapist is a lot harder. I’ve covered here three things that held me back from seeking therapy, as well as my applied solutions that got me to pull the plug.

The self-diagnosis fallacy

For one thing, I have always been introspective. I look into myself quite often, and try to find deep meaning in most of my thoughts. For the longest time, I was always under the impression that I could self-diagnose and be fine with it. I mean, how hard can self-therapy be if you know yourself, right?

I also had a close circle of friends who are therapists, and would gradually talk to them about my mental problems to gain context. Most things that I followed on social media dealt with mental health.

So I figured, yeah, eventually, I’d be able to understand what’s wrong with me and incorporate behaviors and changes to remedy it.

This is where I was wrong.

Well, for one thing, it's the ego, right? I had the audacity to assume that simple Google searches and my own brain would be able to identify the problems. The issue is, when it comes to matters of the mind, you often need outside opinions to ground your beliefs. Otherwise, if you’re just talking to yourself, you'll find yourself in an echo chamber, repeating the same thoughts. Forget the medical professional element of it - you become closed off to accepting any help. And that's not because you’re strong, it's because you're egocentric.

The High Cost Conundrum

Therapy is an expensive investment, and the results are quite variable. It's like dating, right? You meet this person, invest some time with them, share your personal side, but then if it doesn’t work out, you’ve just spent time on an experience that may or may not have benefitted you or, in fact, could have left you harder hit.

Therapists are hard to find as well; most of them have a long queue. Even the online ones (like the app BetterHelp) rejected me after I filled up an online questionnaire. So now, you’re spending a lot of time to find a therapist, and a lot of money for the first session, without even knowing if you’re about to invest in this person.

There should be a program strictly for people who want to have a free first-time session. I believe that at least one session of therapy should be covered per person every 6 months. So twice a year, you’d have the option of meeting with a new therapist free of charge, and if you'd like to continue, then you can pay for it and sign up for more sessions.

Sessions in North America can start at $100 and go up to $250 per session. And imagine if you spend 50 minutes with someone, don't make a connection, and you're down $100. Imagine you do this 5 times. That's a lot of money for a fair amount of uncertainty.

When the North American market got too expensive and backed up, I turned to India. Therapists in North America simply do not understand immigrant struggles on a core level. Even if they are of the same race as you or share the same culture, immigrant struggles are hard to put into context for an American mindset (exceptions are always possible).

I faced this when I had an American therapist. Coming from India, most of my issues are rooted in the traditions of Indian culture, the societal norms, and expectations that shaped my childhood and forged my adult mind. And this is hard to convey to a therapist who doesn’t understand.

So, I started interviewing therapists who reside in India. I did have a circle of therapists who could refer me to a few. Now that everything is remote, it barely made too much of a difference. But that stay did work. I was able to open up more, I could talk freely about certain customs and family issues, and it was affordable (if you earn in dollars).

For my immigrant readers out there, if you weren't born or raised in the country you are living in, I will advise you to look for therapists in your hometown/country of origin. Who knows what difference it could make!

The Rat Race Paradox

I have a deep mistrust of the medical community, and I’ll take this opportunity to explain why.

I’m pretty in tune with what I call ‘The human condition,’ wherein I try to understand the human nature behind all of life’s quests.

Coming from an engineering background, I have been subjected to countless engineers, tons of them, who are just doing it for the paycheck. There’s no passion, there’s no care, there’s no internal drive to deliver. It’s simply the mindset of ‘I get paid to show up.’

After observing this long enough, I eventually realized that this is not a job-specific consequence; it is a human fatigue consequence. This mindset, ‘I get paid to show up,’ applies to any and every job because it's based on the humans that work behind the scenes. There are so many of us who are in it for the paycheck. I know because I used to be one of them.

This isn’t really an issue in most cases. I’m not one to judge, as I stated, it's a human condition.But where the issue arrives for me is when the profession has to do with my health.

For instance, no matter how good a doctor is, I will never truly know when I step into that doctor's appointment if they really care about me or if I’m just another time slot to them. Here in North America, you don’t directly pay the doctors. They are paid regardless of their diagnosis. Which leads me to believe that if engineers can lose interest in their job, why not doctors too? Why not therapists?

When I’m asked to trust the fragility of my mind, how can I be sure if the professional in charge of it truly cares for my mental health or is just running out the clock for the paycheck?

Here's a solution I applied. The first few meetings with your therapist should always be considered a two-way street. The therapist will ask you questions to get to know where you’re coming from, but you must also ask your own questions to know where the therapist is coming from.

This is a business relationship. You are paying this person to diagnose you. So, you best take the first few sessions to lay the groundwork and get your thoughts cleared. If you don’t feel comfortable in the first 3 sessions, it's time to move on.

Here are a few questions that I asked my therapist in our first session:

• Why do you do what you do?
• What gets you up in the morning? What is your incentive for getting into this position?
• How would your other clients describe you?
• What common approaches do you use?

Most of these answers will clearly be ‘it depends,’ but you must get a good understanding of your therapist, enough to get you comfortable to open up. Ask yourself the question, what would it take for you to open up to a stranger? Doing your research and going in with an open mind are key.

Therapy is not, nor will it ever be, the solution. It's not going to magically present you with what you’ve been looking for.

Therapy is work.

Therapy is an investment in yourself. If it's not pretty, then you’re doing it right. Therapy is meant to give you different perspectives on what you’re experiencing, so that you can eventually experience it from different angles.

As with most things, if you put in the effort, you will see results. Maybe not the results you desire, but most certainly the results you deserve.