Currently, I have an active dating life, which means I'm open to meeting new people with the hope of building a meaningful, lasting connection. At the moment, I also have no dating apps installed on any device I own. When people find this out, I’m often met with surprise and curiosity.
‘How do you meet someone?’ I’m asked.
The truth is, dating apps were never my thing. I’ve tried them all, the free and paid premium versions, and it just felt like a shallow, hollow experiences. Dating became a competition, and not the fun kind. It became this digital Hunger Games scenario, where I had to sell myself to someone in less than 30 seconds, with a few words and pictures.
That's not the way (I believe) meaningful connections are fostered.
Sure, dating can be fun and even a bit competitive, but there's one critical element that dating apps often fail to facilitate: the organic and natural process of getting to know someone.
Call me old-school, but I've always yearned for a "meet-cute" romantic origin story.
"So how did you guys meet?"
"Bumble."
This doesn’t seem me. I’m not trying to diss anyone who has this story, but I'm hoping for something different. Technology can do a lot, but I want to see if I can discover a partner the old-fashioned way—organically.
If something like this seems beyond belief for you, it's helpful to take a trip down memory lane. While online dating has been around since the late '90s, dating apps, as we know them today, made their mainstream debut in 2012, although they didn't reach their peak popularity until 2015. Nowadays, they have become the standard for most people looking to meet and connect.
However, that also means that as recently as 2010, most of us weren't using apps, and yet dating still happened. People met each other, started conversations, and built connections without relying on technology. While technology can do a lot, genuine human connection with a stranger often begins with a cold approach.
A "Cold Approach" typically refers to an interaction or engagement with someone, especially in a social or professional context, where you have had no prior contact, connection, or introduction to them. In other words, it involves approaching a person you have never met before, often in a spontaneous or unsolicited manner.
Although my introductory paragraph focused on dating, I'd like to point out that what follows can be applied to any social situation. Whether it's networking events, family gatherings, recruitment drives, weddings, or bars, any situation where you are surrounded by strangers and want to initiate an organic interaction requires a cold approach. I'd also state that this has been written from the male perspective.
Learning the art of the cold approach took me at least a few months to a year, and I'm still working on it. Don't be discouraged if it takes time for you too. Approaching people can be intimidating, but like most skills, it can be practiced and mastered.
Before we dive into the details, let's cover some basics. If you want to leave a lasting impression, start by getting the fundamentals right:
Now that we’re good with basics, here’s 3 ways to master the cold approach
Warm up
Just like every activity that yields positive results, starting with a little warm-up is crucial. It's no different when it comes to mastering cold approaches. If you want to get better at cold approaches, begin by warming yourself up for a conversational mode.
The idea here is to get comfortable with giving passing compliments. You learn to use kind words with the sole intention of delivering them, nothing else. Passing compliments are meant to be given and then dismissed.
Identify → Approach → Compliment → Exit
That's it. Don't overcomplicate it.
This exercise will help you feel more at ease approaching anyone.
The 3-Second Rule
Things often seem much bigger in our heads because the more time we spend analyzing and thinking about a situation, the more complicated it becomes. But the truth is, approaching someone isn't as hard as we make it out to be.
The 3-second rule is simple. Once you're warmed up and you see someone you want to talk to, count to three and head in.
3….2….1 …
Don’t Think.
Act.
Put yourself in the situation and let it take over. Start by passing on a compliment, read the response, and go from there. If a conversation doesn’t work, learn from it and move on.
Change the Narrative
For anxious overthinkers, we often focus too much on whether we are being liked. Questions like, "Do they like me? Am I being interesting? Am I bringing my best to this conversation?" put immense pressure on us to constantly perform.
However, what can help is flipping the script and assessing whether you like the scenario you're in. Retrain yourself to think, "Do I like this person? Am I enjoying this conversation with them? What about this person is intriguing to me?”
Take a moment to evaluate the situation and the conversation to determine if it's something you genuinely want to invest your time in. This takes a lot of pressure off you to ‘perform’ and helps you enjoy the simplicity of the conversation you’re in.
Meeting someone organically isn't rocket science. Until two decades ago, it's all we had. It's almost as if humans were evolved for it. And the skills you learn from a cold approach can help you in any walk of life. It's immensely freeing when you understand what you bring to the table and can hold meaningful, yet balanced conversations with someone. Remember, a cold approach is not about impressing others; it's about being your authentic self and finding those who appreciate you for who you are.