This has happened to me plenty, and since I attempt to understand the why, I started focussing on the reasons behind the flakiness. What mistakes are we making that cause us to give up?
Here’s six reasons I came up with, and some tips on how I overcame them.
Underestimating the value of small steps
Social media, and capitalism in general, have cushioned us to desire instant gratification as our bread and butter. We try new habits, don’t see quick results, and then quit. Add to this, an education system that has conditioned us to be competitive; We function on an ‘all or nothing’ mindset. If we can’t achieve the best version of the output, then its not even worth trying, right?
In reality, the habits that stick, are the ones you stick with. We shouldn’t pick up habits with the goal of seeing results; the only goal should be to do them consistently. The small steps compound over time. They get stronger the longer you do them, especially on the days you don’t want to.
The desire for validation
Everyone wants their activities to be validated now. Wether through friends, families or social media, we so badly want to know that what we’re doing is good. We ask google, we post stories, we tell our families and friends. And when we hear one question that threatens our decision, or one thought that targets our insecurity, we panic.
So how do you get over this? It's simple enough - stop telling people.
Incorporate new habits in silence.
Do not post, do not ask, do not crave support. You pick the habits you want to do, and you do them. Don’t tell your friends, or your family; it’s yours. This way, if you fail, you fail in silence. And if you win, no one can take that away from you. I didn’t start talking about my habits until a year after I built them, and even then, only when people ask. For the first six months, learn to practice new habits without anyone being aware of them.
Understand the difference between fixed habits and flexible habits
Habits, though structured, need to be versatile enough to adapt. I learnt this the hard way when I was couch surfing. The routine that I’d build in my own home could not entirely be transferred when I moved around because my environment changed. Initially I’d try and stick to the same well-defined routine, which only threw me for a loop. This is where it’s important to know the kind of habit you’re building.
For example, brushing your teeth at night is a fixed habit. Regardless of your environment or setting, it shouldn’t deviate. However, your eating habits can be more flexible depending on your lifestyle. I follow a food structure when I’m home, but when I’m traveling or on vacation, these rules don’t apply. Everyone is different, so learn which habits you’re willing to compromise on, and which ones should be lifelong.
Trying to emulate someone 100%
Every single person is unique, especially when you get into their physical, mental and emotional state. Therefore, trying to using someone else’s routine is not always gonna work for you, especially if you try to replicate it to the letter. Not everyone’s a morning person, not everyone has will power, and not everyone has the same attention span. Learn as much as you can from different sources, but at the end of the day, craft your own routine. Don’t try to be someone else; be you. Find out what works for you, and practice it diligently. As long as you’re making progress, and you’re happy and healthy, you’ll be fine.
Track yourself
This is a hard step to do, especially for people who aren’t used to it. But if you want something to stick, you need to track it, either with an app, or on pen and paper. A lot of people rely on memory, without realizing how biased your brain can be. Your brain is incredibly good at coming up with excuses, and inflating your ego, and oftentimes tricks you into thinking you’re accomplishing more or less than you really are.
This is why tracking is important. You can’t argue numbers and data; they're hard evidence. I started tracking everything - my sleep, my finances, my habits, my moods and energies, sometimes even my poop schedule. If I don’t do anything with it, it’s good to know that there is a record of what I experienced.
Look into The Seinfeld Method . Get a calendar, and every day you complete a habit, mark it off. Your goal should be to see a continuous line that grows as you cross the days off. Data doesn’t lie, and there’s no escape. Occasionally study your trackers, to identify patterns and build a routine.
Go easy on yourself
A lot of us, especially those coming from Asian cultures, are trained to be the best, wether we like it or not. We’re not allowed to fail or make mistakes, and if we do, we’re forced to push harder to do better. It’s a competitive mindset, thats hard to switch off.
But take some time to appreciate the progress you’ve made, and be compassionate with yourself on the days you miss. It takes time, and effort to keep this up, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over high expectations. Hold yourself accountable, of course, but also realize that a lot of habits take multiple tries until they stick. More often than not, you will fail over and over again, but what matters is that you learn to pick yourself up, and keep going.
Just keep moving; eventually the patterns will start making sense. Remember, habit forming takes time. Especially if you’re eradicating a negative one, and substituting it with something you’ve never done. But stick to them as much as you can, and learn about your body and mind as you do so. Repetition and consistency are usually your best friends.
Godspeed, and good luck!