There’s a reason people often say, ‘College is the best time of your life.’ It's because that's often one of the last periods in adulthood where we're consistently around peers, engaged in common activities like festivals, classes, or simply hanging out at bars. Once we leave college and step into the real world, a sense of shock often accompanies us. Suddenly, we're no longer all focused on the same courses or working towards identical goals. We start interacting with people who might be 5, 10, or even 15 years older. Some are already married and planning for children, while others might be struggling with issues like drug addiction, alcoholism, or shopping habits. Yet, the most significant shift is that no one is under any obligation to do anything for you.

Making friends as an adult is undoubtedly a challenge, but the real uphill task lies in sustaining those friendships. The dynamics have shifted significantly from our school and college days, when we were naturally immersed in social environments. Whether we found our place or stood out as outsiders, we had the shared context of our academic lives. Nowadays, however, people often have their own forms of escapism, like Netflix, online gaming, family commitments, or personal hobbies. Convincing an adult to invest their time in a friendship has become a task rather than an assumption.

Yet, despite the challenges, it's not an insurmountable feat. If you find yourself longing for meaningful connections in your adulthood and are eager to expand your social circle, there are certain habits you can cultivate to make the process smoother. Of course, success isn't guaranteed, as it depends on both individuals involved, but honing these soft skills can significantly enhance your ability to maintain adult relationships.

Be intentional about your plans

The phrase "Would you like to ...?" often feels like a non-question, as it essentially seeks validation for our own desires. Terms like "kinda," "maybe," and "possibly" have become commonplace non-answers in our generation, convenient ways to evade commitments we never truly committed to in the first place.

Consider the example, "Would you like to grab some coffee with me?" The response might be, "Um... maybe, I'll let you know." This kind of exchange is all too familiar, and I admit, I struggle with it as well. It seems we're quite comfortable dwelling in ambiguity, the gray area where neither risk nor reward is at stake. Our questions are carefully crafted to avoid negative responses, given that no definitive question was posed.

This is where intent becomes vital in relationships. For instance, rephrasing the aforementioned question as "I would like to grab coffee with you" might appear to be a small alteration, but it carries substantial implications.

Firstly, it asserts that you have an independent activity in mind, something not contingent on someone else's input. Instead of querying, you're stating. This shifts the dynamic from a vague, uncertain space to a defined one, where you're extending an invitation.

Secondly, the proposed activity doesn't eclipse the intention behind it. The act of "grabbing coffee" shouldn't hold more importance than your intention to connect. Therefore, if the coffee suggestion doesn't resonate, but an alternative activity is proposed, it's still a success.

Lately, I've been striving for more intentionality in my requests, and my aim is to progressively be more specific. Even if nothing else, this approach demonstrates initiative in making plans and investing in relationships.

Be an active listener

Around 90% of adult friendships revolve around the ability to be a genuine and active listener. This entails temporarily setting aside your own concerns and sincerely engaging with another person's narrative. This is where many individuals encounter difficulties. While there are exceptions, particularly when dealing with emotional vampires, in most instances, it necessitates pushing your ego aside and wholeheartedly focusing on your friends. This encompasses listening to their work struggles, family challenges, as well as their joyful moments.

It's almost always discernible when someone is feigning interest; authentic listening is, indeed, an art. It requires time and practice, especially if the recounted story doesn't inherently captivate you. Furthermore, during the inital stages, you should not expect to be heard back.

If you tend to be more talkative, learn to embrace silence and actively listen to your friends from time to time. Genuine listening is the key here.

For those who are already listeners, you're well on your way. However, it's important not to overextend yourself to the point of exhaustion. Listeners are sometimes taken advantage of, particularly by emotional vampires who crave an audience. Learning to differentiate between those who are emotionally draining and those with whom you can genuinely invest your time is crucial.

Practice wellness checks

This concept aligns seamlessly with the act of being an active listener. People tend to invest their time and emotions in those who show a genuine investment in them. When you actively listen to others, you inevitably delve into various aspects of their life – whether it's their profession, family, or lifestyle choices. This understanding provides a foundation for the simple practice of regular check-ins.

What sets adult friendships apart from childhood ones is their independence. They don't demand constant hand-holding or daily contact. The most meaningful friendships are those where both parties genuinely care for each other, regardless of constraints like distance or time. A significant aspect of maintaining adult friendships is recognizing that the majority of adulthood is filled with busy routines. There's always something to be done – chores, events, personal time, work commitments, side projects, or even just laundry. Hence, most adults don't require extensive conversations; a brief "How are you feeling today?" or "Hey, I was thinking of you. Hoping all is well with XYZ. Sending positive vibes your way" can suffice. It's the small gestures that matter, showing care not when expected, but when least anticipated, which truly come from a genuine place.

Whenever you spontaneously think of someone you haven't communicated with in a while, send them a text. If you come across something online that reminds you of a friend, drop them a message. If you're aware that someone is going through a challenging period and could use some encouragement, send them a supportive note. It's straightforward; the complexity we often add stems from the misconception that it has to be intricate. Consistently checking in on your friendships is a practice that yields lasting connections, far beyond your imagination, all rooted in genuine care.

Figure out friendship styles

Understanding friendship styles holds significance as it helps in recognizing what you contribute to and what you seek in friendships. There are generally four distinct types of friendship styles:

• Discerning: This style involves a few close friends and emphasizes high emotional closeness. Trust and support are paramount in these friendships, often a requirement to protect from past experiences of being taken advantage of.
• Independent: Individuals with an independent friendship style also have a small circle of close friends, but emotional attachment is lower. These friendships are often formed due to circumstances like work, school, or family. They tend to be transient, often fading if circumstances change. If you leave the job, or the school, the friendship often goes with it.
• Selectively Acquisitive: People with this style are quite social, maintaining relationships without stringent emotional attachment. They don't categorize friendships into labels like 'best friends' or 'close friends'. Instead, everyone is viewed on the same level, while the depth of closeness varies selectively.
• Unconditionally Acquisitive: This group has a large number of friends, though emotional closeness tends to be lower. They prioritize the social aspects of friendship over emotional support. Meeting in diverse settings and engaging in social interactions are their strong suits, often without delving deeper.

It's important to note that friendship styles are not static; they can shift based on lifestyle changes and environmental influences. Acknowledging that everyone possesses their unique style and adapting to it is key in navigating friendships effectively.

Understand Boundaries and personal space

Every individual possesses their own sphere of personal space and set of boundaries. The foundation of any healthy relationship, whether it's a partnership or a friendship, rests on two fundamental principles: understanding these boundaries and respecting them.

Primarily, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's boundaries differ. What might feel comfortable for you to share within a couple of meetings might take much longer for someone else to open up about. It's essential not to interpret these boundaries as a reflection of your relationship. Often, adults are guided by their instincts, establishing boundaries due to past hurts or experiences. Respect their process.

Moreover, it's important to acknowledge that boundaries are not static; they can evolve and adapt. By consistently respecting a friend's boundaries and upholding the traits of a good friend, those boundaries can gradually expand to encompass your presence. These types of friendships tend to endure, as they are earned over time. They are not instantaneous connections but rather the result of ongoing effort and dedication, demonstrating your commitment to being a part of someone's life. When you eventually find yourself embraced within an inner circle, it's a recognition that this place has been well-earned.

Adult friendships are a topic rarely addressed in the educational system, as its focus has historically been on work-related skills. Social skills that are taught often revolve around professional networking and career advancement. However, forming and maintaining lasting adult friendships involves an entirely different skill set. It's a process of trial and error, particularly as you become more attuned to your own mindset and preferences.

Yet, despite the challenges, forging meaningful adult friendships is entirely achievable. Over time, you will develop the ability to distinguish between genuine friends and those who might only be seeking personal gain. As you gain experience, you'll become adept at filtering out individuals who don't align with your values or priorities. Gradually, you'll create a circle of strong adult friendships capable of enduring a lifetime. Just like any skill, it requires practice, dedication, and a noticeable investment of time and effort.